Sunday night, I miscarried.
A week ago I announced my pregnancy. I did this to normalize talking about pregnancy in the 1st trimester so: women don’t need to hide that they’re tired and nauseated, and–if and when a miscarriage happens, it’s not a shameful secret. Women don’t have to suffer in silence, and we can begin to understand just how common miscarriage is.
I knew I was taking exactly this risk, that there was a chance the universe would call my bluff. Was I really comfortable talking about this? Well, here are some rough draft reflections:
I’m not actually devastated. It almost feels like I’m supposed to be. Yet, I feel okay, and I’m letting myself be okay with feeling okay. In no way do I mean to discount anybody’s immense sadness after pregnancy loss. That is truly understandable. But I also need to be honest, and I want to give people license to feel however they feel. There’s no right or wrong. I have a daughter, my life is full, I know that my body has already given birth to a healthy child, I trust that it probably can again, and I love my body and myself even if I no longer can. My worldview, which has been shaped by grief and ecstasy alike, is to surrender and trust this journey that feels vastly beyond my conscious understanding. I can understand how someone might feel worried they’ll never have a baby, can believe there’s something “wrong” with their body, and can feel an unimaginable sense of defeat after multiple pregnancy losses. At the very least, my hope is that we can all drop the shame and self-blame, and that miscarriage can serve as a call to action to get quiet and ask your body what it needs. But also, miscarriage happens even when your body already has what it needs. Miscarriage happens, full stop. It’s a part of the childbearing journey. It’s part of the “full catastrophe” of being human. This understanding helps me feel less attached and less devastated.
If you have experienced pregnancy loss, my whole heart to you. I hope in some small way this post can give you comfort and new ways of understanding what so many of us go through.
