I’m seeing so much of this in my practice–people are finding this time challenging, yet they acknowledge that others might have it harder, so they feel guilty for complaining and attempt to deny their own struggle. This is not helping anyone. Of course it’s important to keep perspective on the range of ways people are affected, but also, all suffering is valid. There’s no need to compare or invalidate any struggle. Give yourself space, patience, and compassion for whatever you’re dealing with. If you still find yourself feeling guilty, let that feeling fuel you to show up in service in any way you can.
The Key to Taking Care of Ourselves Now
I think the key to taking care of ourselves in this complicated time is to focus on the fundamentals of self-care, except when we can’t–when the best way to take care of ourselves is to let that all go. The real skill is discerning which act of self-love is needed in any given moment, and to toggle between the two. Where we get it wrong is being polarized in two camps that think it’s always one way or the other–virtuous kale goddess vs. treat yo’self with a side of contempt for self-care. When you have the energy or the dire need for it, take excellent care of yourself: prioritize sleep, eat real food, avoid fake food, find ways of having social connection, connect to nature, move your body, and get some sunshine. And then, any time it’s not possible to pitch a perfect game of nutrition and good sleep, let it go, and be gentle with yourself about it. Remind yourself that you can handle some failures of self-care–your body is not that fragile. The real skill is in discerning which is the more radical act of self-love in any given moment–sometimes it’s sunshine and sleep, and sometimes it’s cookies on the couch. Don’t get too rigidly stuck in one approach or the other.
Photo Credit: Deborah Barak
My Favorite Medicine
Losing myself in dance is my favorite medicine. I turned 40 on Saturday, and my hope was to bring people together for connection and goofy, playful, sweaty, therapeutic, ecstatic dance. It turns out, doing this over zoom is not as intuitive or google-able as you might expect. Here are the steps (and a playlist) to get you started.
Step 1: Playlist
Step 2: Set up a zoom and invite your friends
Step 3: When you begin, click “share screen” at the bottom of the screen, then click the box for “Share Computer Sound” (bottom left corner). At the top of the screen, toggle to “Advanced.” Select “Music or Computer Sound Only”, then click the blue share button. Done! (See below)
Here’s why this matters: it allows you to keep your screen in gallery mode so everyone can feel like they’re dancing together, while the audio comes through clearly and you can control the music from your own spotify (which you can do on a separate phone if you like).
Step 4: Dance your heart out!
Dance and social connection are my medicine, how about you? Let me know some ways you’re having fulfilling virtual interactions.
Keep It Simple, Keep It Local
In 2017, I packed up my family and traveled around the world for 7 months. After 15 years in NYC, I had been craving nature, dirt, and serenity. We sublet our apt and switched to working remotely so we could live on a permaculture farm in New Zealand, hike the Na Pali Coast Trail in Kauai, swim in the Dead Sea, surf among dolphins in Byron Bay, Australia, and live on a farm in Sicily, eating the food grown in their rich, volcanic soil. You know what else we did? We took 25 flights. I’m not proud of this.
When I look around NYC these days, I notice the absence of constant overhead flights and helicopter tours, that the monolithic cruise ships no longer set sail every Sunday. I also notice the absence of smog, that the Hudson River looks cleaner, and the air smells fresh. I’m grateful for every chance I’ve had to experience the wonders of this planet, and I realize now the best way to practice devotional worship of our planet is to slow way down, keep it simple, keep it local. It would be disingenuous for me to say I’ll never travel again, but I do plan to make these choices consciously. Booking a flight, having something shipped to my door from a factory across the world…the true cost is hidden. Our economy has made these things more accessible than they actually are, and our planet foots the bill. On this earth day, I’m meditating on Thich Nhat Hanh’s words: “walk as if you are kissing the Earth with your feet.”
Which Exercise is Best?
Let go of all the noise and headlines telling us which exercise is best. Listen to what your body wants to do. For women, this may change depending on where you are in your cycle. Sometimes HIIT feels right, sometimes yoga, sometimes you want to dance in your living room, and other times you want to nap. Listen to your body, and trust what it tells you.
Avoid Fake Food
Last night my daughter had one of the most epic meltdowns of her life. Between failing attempts to comfort her, my husband and I exchanged mystified glances–what’s going on? Is this about coronavirus, is she feeling ignored, is she missing school and her old routine? All plausible. But then I read the ingredients on the snack she had just eaten a couple hours earlier. You know me well enough to know I didn’t buy this junk, but these days when you order a “mango” on instacart, sometimes what they bring you instead is a box of dried mango with added sugar, sulfites, preservatives, and food coloring. I don’t know who needs to hear this, but sugar, preservatives, and food coloring are a one-way-ticket to ADD, mood swings, and meltdowns. If you’re struggling with any of this (in yourselves or your kids), be on the lookout for these ingredients in your food, and swiftly chuck that crap in the trash. I don’t mean to make life any more stressful than it already is by taking away our beloved snacks and comfort foods, but in my experience, the stress of mood swings, meltdowns, and hyperactivity outweighs the stress of having to cut open a piece of fruit for a snack instead of reaching for processed garbage. When it comes to kids, offering real food helps kids stay stable and calm, rather than swinging between sugar highs and meltdowns. Orienting our lives around eating real food is not just a precious snowflake Portlandia-esque affectation–it’s a radical act of love for ourselves and our families.
Missing Spring
Every time I take my daughter outside for a walk, I notice that spring is putting on a grand performance of tulips, daffodils, and dogwoods to an empty theater. We walk along the deserted streets, taking in the poignant, fleeting beauty of each crocus all for ourselves. I think about all the New Yorkers, holed up in their apartments, missing spring. And it occurs to me, while we may be missing spring, there is also a springtime of my daughter’s life, that I was partly missing in the pre-coronavrius days of school, childcare, and long work hours. Now, with equal parts gratitude and feeling like I’m drowning with work, I spend long stretches of the prime working hours of the day sitting on the floor playing legos with my daughter. Acknowledging the privilege in this (some parents still have to report to work, even if it puts them at risk, some are forced home but with immense financial stress…), I can’t help but notice that this global shift has coaxed me and many parents into closer connection with the springtime of our children’s lives.
Social Distancing
In the past we would preferentially connect with friends and family who live locally. Now it’s all the same zoom call whether we’re hanging with the friend from down the block or the cousin who lives on the other side of the planet. To me it’s a silver lining that social distancing has paradoxically eliminated the distance between us and our loved ones scattered across the globe.
Meditation
Demystify it. It doesn’t matter if you can’t clear your mind. Nobody can. That’s not the goal. You simply show up for any amount of time, and then you give yourself a gold star and a pat on the back no matter what went down.
Mindfulness meditation is just about practicing present-moment awareness on purpose. When your mind wanders—and it will—that’s not failure. It’s an opportunity. Gently bring your mind back to the present moment. Each time you do that, it’s like a little bicep curl for the muscle of present-moment awareness. You strengthen it little by little.
Waking Up With Anxiety? It Might Be Medication Withdrawal
If you take a daily psychiatric medication, such as an antidepressant or antianxiety med, and you wake up in a panic, it might be med withdrawal. If you take your psych meds in the morning, this means your body is at the nadir of medication blood levels upon waking. That nadir can feel like inter-dose withdrawal, which can feel like anxiety or low mood. If this sounds familiar, consider taking your meds as soon as you wake up, and remind yourself that the morning panic is withdrawal–this can help keep things in perspective. Of course we’re all anxious for various reasons these days, but I’m always on the lookout for preventable causes of anxiety so we can decrease the overall anxiety level.