These days, we encounter a lot of aggressive boundary-setting (“you’re toxic, I’m ending this conversation, because boundaries”). I think we may have missed the spirit of boundaries. To me, boundaries are not just about recognizing our needs & protecting our energy. There’s a subtlety around intention– that the goal is to promote connection, not separation–but a connection that honors our needs.
Not: I’m setting this boundary because you’re a toxic bitch & I want you to know that & feel bad about it.
Or: I’m denying access to me as a punishment for your bad behavior, I hope you suffer.
Instead: I want our relationship to work, but the way we’re showing up for each other is not working for me & it’s damaging our relationship. I’m setting this boundary in an effort to protect our relationship & set us up for success.
Here you’re ROOTING for the relationship to work, for the other person to get it & successfully respect your needs.
Btw, when we’re mad at someone, we love it when their bad behavior goes from bad to worse. We love feeling even more justified in our anger & resentment. Argh, we think to ourselves, can you believe how awful some people are (and by comparison, how virtuous we are)? From this state, we unconsciously set unrealistic boundaries, designed to fail. Then we think: Ugg, I even set a boundary (how woke and amazing am I?) & she STILL did the thing. We’re done. I’m writing her off as a person.
Try instead: hey friend, I want our relationship to work. When you comment on my weight/use the incorrect pronoun/ask me if I’m having kids, I feel uncomfortable. I really want our relationships to work so I’m asking you to not comment on my body/use my correct pronoun/not bring up family planning, so our relationships can feel good for both of us. In this case, we’re rooting for them rather than trying to catch them in bad behavior. Our intention is for the other person to get it, to succeed, for us to be treated in the way we need to be treated, AND for the relationship to work. This is hard and humbling work, but it really comes down to whether we want more connection or more separation in our lives. Boundaries can achieve both.
